You Asked Us: Why Does My Boyfriend Refuse To Have Sex?

The Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. On our first date things clicked: we couldn’t stop talking, we had so much in common, we enjoyed each other’s company, going places, doing things together, etc.— which we still do today.

He had told me that he was engaged for three years and his fiancé cheated on him. This happened about five years ago, but it broke it heart terribly. He also told me that his past really upset him, and that he’s keeping me at arms length even though he says that he loves me and I’m his everything.

However, for the past couple of months he has been acting differently. We only see each other on the weekends, not at all during the week, so when we had the chance to be together, we would have sex. Now we only have sex once a month. When I tell him that I want to, he tells me to stop pressuring him or that it’s too late to have sex and we need to make time for it. I also found condoms in his car.
And, when he talks about the future, he says “I” instead of “we”.

I don’t know what to do. I did buy your book in the bookstore, but I didn’t get to finish it because a girlfriend borrowed it and hasn’t returned it yet.

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, thank you for buying our book! We hope your friend enjoys it and returns it to you soon.

As for your dilemma: There are a number of red flags that need to be addressed, the most glaring being the condoms in his car. The fact that he only wants to have sex with you once a month and you found these condoms leads us to the assumption that he’s cheating. Considering that you only see one another on the weekends, he has plenty of opportunity to pursue other romantic endeavors. Continue reading


Why Women Cheat

By Meagan McCrary

In June, researchers at Indiana University found that women cheat almost as much as men do, with 23 percent of men and 19 percent of women admitting to unfaithfulness. Yet, the reasons women and men cheat are often different, with women being more emotionally driven. You’ve got to think like a lady to catch one in the act—or stop the act from happening in the first place. Watch for these signs confirmed by real women who’ve strayed and men who’ve been cuckolded.

She accuses her man of cheating. This common sign is an attempt to divert the guilt away from herself, and to project her dishonest behavior onto her partner. “My girlfriend of three years all of a sudden started questioning my every move,” says Mark, 28. “Turned out she had slept with another guy.” Also, if a woman knows that her guy has been unfaithful––or that he’s broken her trust in a big way—then she may be tempted to do the same. While she may not be willing to throw away a marriage over it, a wounded woman may give herself permission to even the score.

She starts dolling herself up. If a woman suddenly starts taking hours to get ready for places like the gym or the grocery store, then there may be someone she’s trying to impress. “I typically showed up for my business school classes in sweats, no makeup, hair in a bun. I had a boyfriend; what did I care?” say Sara, 27. “Then I developed a crush on a guy in one of my classes. Soon enough, I was spending an hour to get ready for school, swapping my ratty sweats for cute dresses.” Of course, a crush doesn’t always lead to cheating, but this may be a sign that the emotional motivation is there.

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What You Can Learn From His Dating Past

A man’s relationship record can tell you what to expect from him when he enters into one with you. Whether he’s broken hearts or had his broken, most guys come with some baggage from their former flames. Here’s our take on what a man’s past might tell you about him.

Serial Monogamist: This guy loves being loved — and isn’t afraid to commit. Yet jumping straight from one serious relationship into another may signal insecurity or a fear of being alone.

He’s Cheated: While his past infidelity doesn’t mean he’ll cheat on you, have a conversation about why he strayed in a previous relationship. If he hasn’t addressed his reason for cheating and worked to change, there’s a good chance it’ll happen again.

He’s Been Cheated On: A man who’s been dogged in the past will likely have trust issues. He may have trouble opening up to future girlfriends for fear of getting his heart broken again.

He’s a Relationship Newbie: This love loner could be super picky or fear rejection. Apt to jump ship when the tides get: rough, he may not understand that relationships are hard work.

He’s a Known Player: Even if his debonair attitude seems to speak otherwise, a known player sees you as just another notch in his headboard. He’s liable to wine, dine and lay you … then leave you.

He Has a History of Dating Crazies: A man with endless stories about depressed or abusive exes either turns normal gals loony or likes loony girls because he enjoys the drama, needs to feel superior or thinks he can save them. He’ll probably either make mountains of your molehills — by constantly trying to rile you up — or drop you the second he gets bored.